Citalopram set back

So yesterday I got a photography job in Liverpool. A lovely lovely group of people, just getting together and enjoying some food and drink, and an opportunity to network. Also a good opportunity to thank the people involved doing such great work in social care from a company doing well.

All went well to be honest, a good turnout, music, nice food served by really friendly caterers and I managed to get some good photos, which I'm sure the client will be happy with.

But all was not well. I stopped taking my anti depressants just over a week ago, and I was (until yesterday) thinking that it was easy. But yesterday my negative voices joined forces and were snide and nasty....
"Your camera is budget, you look cheap"
"This lighting is going to make your pictures look rubbish"
"You'll be found out"
"Maybe you shouldn't charge, they'll be that bad!"
"Making yourself obvious, stood there"
"Another flash going off, everyone will notice and think, didn't you do the first photo well enough"
"Look how everyone is talking, you're the only one that doesn't fit here"
"Photographers don't eat, the food isn't for you"

One person at the event looked a little socially awkward with no one to talk to, so (not my job) I tried to involve them, before the voices starting yelling.
"what are you doing?"
"idiot"
"Not your job, stop, you're making a fool of yourself"
"you don't know what you're talking about and they can tell"

It was loud, and tumultuous.... and then I drove home.
On the way home, the voices didn't let up.
"what are you going to do if all the photos are as bad as we think they are?"
"I think that was awful, you stood out as socially awkward"
"yeah, everyone noticed"

It was torture, and then the penny dropped. It's not me, it's something chemical. So the voices changed again.
"you'll be back on them soon"
"obviously can't cope"
"you need your drugs"
"can't do this forever, going to need to look for a job"

This is just the tip of the iceberg, if there was a worry, it happened. I didn't want to go home. I didn't really want food. But I went to McDonalds anyway. Sat on my own, waiting for my food my eyes were hopelessly full of tears. And I sent out a tweet, and they started again....
"attention seeking are we?"
"that's what everyone will think"

But it isn't, in the faceless world of social media, I'm as brave as can be, I do want to share, I do want to help others, I do want to increase understanding of what it's like and I do want to get better, and there was a lovely outpouring of love and care, thank you to everyone who messaged me. But had someone asked me in real life, I was prepared, "It's just hay-fever" would have been my prepared response.

I was wrong, this might not be as easy as I thought, but I do have to accept this for what it was. I do appear to have forgotten what I learned in CBT. Perhaps my citalopram was my hammock, stopping me from hitting rock bottom. But I did a good job. I found the place, despite almost driving back through the Birkenhead tunnel (look at LVCS venue - you'll see how). The photos were good (I stayed up til they were all edited and uploaded). I put on a professional face whilst I was there and I silenced the voices, although it came with a lot of amazing support from great people.

"Don't air your dirty washing in public" part of the stiff upper lip problem we face? Should we continue to talk publicly about these issues? Does it help people who don't suffer, understand.

I don't honestly know, but if it helps someone, and it helps me, perhaps I shouldn't care.

No alcohol for the rest of the Month, a challenge set by a good friend.
Two steps forward.