Welcome to my world.
I have worked hard since before I left school armed with my valuable Geometrical Engineering Drawing A level. I can't tell you how useful that's been, partly because I've never been asked to remember any of it, so I simply don't know. It was never a passion to be honest, even though I enjoyed it and I was good at it, the year below me were doing graphic design, which looked much more interesting. And my best friend back in the school I left was doing computers. But my blighted dark path into the sombre world of retail had already begun. Fast forward 26 years and the retail world has changed.
In my first training session as a Manager back in 2000 I met with a lovely Scottish guy who talked us through a way to speed nap, and/or meditate to relieve stress. I kid you not.
As a manager of managers, proud of the fact that every meeting our region had was more like a re-union, and running the largest store on our region, with the highest productivity, I made an insane assumption that I had job security. Added to the fact that when measured against the other 800 stores in the business, we ranked over each financial year in the top 1%, I thought I had a safe job for life.
Ok, so not every KPI was perfect, those KPI's that couldn't dent your chance of bonus slipped by the wayside. But the key KPI's, the ones that were worth the most, they never slipped. The team knew it I knew it and they knew I knew it. I wouldn't make their lives hell, not if they were focussed on the important things that generated the cash flow. In fact I wouldn't make their lives hell if they didn't, I'd help, encourage them and convince them that they could do it. Once I'd done that, they would.
Life was ok, until it became not good. Months and months of missed bonus, targets that 80% of stores were missing got me down. Lost income meant no holidays, less favourable living standards and lower morale, both in store and in person.
Relationships broke down, not at home, but in work. Chances for credit and praise were overlooked. Corners were cut to save staffing emergencies. Laws were broken. Pressure increased and assistant managers were taken from big stores like mine, to run other stores where colleagues had quit or been pushed. Mine was taken from me on the 1st day back from my holiday, and not replaced for alomost 6 weeks. Then as the stress became intolerable, I was offered a store due for closure. A 'conversation that never happened' to 'support' me in seeking a peaceful way out. Honestly, with hindsight, I wish I'd taken it. But a small part of me was optimistic. Optimistic that things would improve.
But it didn't, it got worse, very quickly. Despite looking after the key KPI's and being ranked #1 on the region. My new, new, new (yes we were on our third) boss told me I was one of the 2 worse performing stores on the region. I pointed out the obvious #1 ranking, but it was dismissed immediately and the focus was pulled onto the KPI that everyone was missing; bonus. Like I needed telling. My empty fridge reminded me every day when I got home. The cracks in the kitchen floor reminded me; the broken dishwasher reminded me. I couldn't understand why I was being dragged through threatening performance reviews when I was ranked so highly in so many other areas with so many of our less important KPI's well above average as well. So I raised a grievance.
Nevertheless, the pressure continued unabated until I could physically take no more. The 4am waking times, the weird getting out of bed walking to the wardrobe and not knowing why I was up. The depression on my days off, the anxiety and tense muscles, sweating cold when work emails came in, the inability to get to sleep, headaches and the final straw the 4am Panic attacks.
I couldn't take it any more and with the guidance of my Aunt and Wife, I sought medical help.
Citalopram and no work was the remedy whilst the grievance happened.
"Work related stress and anxiety", like so many before me, I felt like I was throwing the towel in. That was almost 18 months ago.
In my first training session as a Manager back in 2000 I met with a lovely Scottish guy who talked us through a way to speed nap, and/or meditate to relieve stress. I kid you not.
As a manager of managers, proud of the fact that every meeting our region had was more like a re-union, and running the largest store on our region, with the highest productivity, I made an insane assumption that I had job security. Added to the fact that when measured against the other 800 stores in the business, we ranked over each financial year in the top 1%, I thought I had a safe job for life.
Ok, so not every KPI was perfect, those KPI's that couldn't dent your chance of bonus slipped by the wayside. But the key KPI's, the ones that were worth the most, they never slipped. The team knew it I knew it and they knew I knew it. I wouldn't make their lives hell, not if they were focussed on the important things that generated the cash flow. In fact I wouldn't make their lives hell if they didn't, I'd help, encourage them and convince them that they could do it. Once I'd done that, they would.
Life was ok, until it became not good. Months and months of missed bonus, targets that 80% of stores were missing got me down. Lost income meant no holidays, less favourable living standards and lower morale, both in store and in person.
Relationships broke down, not at home, but in work. Chances for credit and praise were overlooked. Corners were cut to save staffing emergencies. Laws were broken. Pressure increased and assistant managers were taken from big stores like mine, to run other stores where colleagues had quit or been pushed. Mine was taken from me on the 1st day back from my holiday, and not replaced for alomost 6 weeks. Then as the stress became intolerable, I was offered a store due for closure. A 'conversation that never happened' to 'support' me in seeking a peaceful way out. Honestly, with hindsight, I wish I'd taken it. But a small part of me was optimistic. Optimistic that things would improve.
But it didn't, it got worse, very quickly. Despite looking after the key KPI's and being ranked #1 on the region. My new, new, new (yes we were on our third) boss told me I was one of the 2 worse performing stores on the region. I pointed out the obvious #1 ranking, but it was dismissed immediately and the focus was pulled onto the KPI that everyone was missing; bonus. Like I needed telling. My empty fridge reminded me every day when I got home. The cracks in the kitchen floor reminded me; the broken dishwasher reminded me. I couldn't understand why I was being dragged through threatening performance reviews when I was ranked so highly in so many other areas with so many of our less important KPI's well above average as well. So I raised a grievance.
Nevertheless, the pressure continued unabated until I could physically take no more. The 4am waking times, the weird getting out of bed walking to the wardrobe and not knowing why I was up. The depression on my days off, the anxiety and tense muscles, sweating cold when work emails came in, the inability to get to sleep, headaches and the final straw the 4am Panic attacks.
I couldn't take it any more and with the guidance of my Aunt and Wife, I sought medical help.
Citalopram and no work was the remedy whilst the grievance happened.
"Work related stress and anxiety", like so many before me, I felt like I was throwing the towel in. That was almost 18 months ago.
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