A morning in the life.

I am woken up. Woken by my wonderful wife with a hot cup of tea. 5 minutes pass, I reawaken. Dozy. Is it the anti depressants? Is it the lack of sleep? Is it mental exhaustion? I doze, now 10 minutes. I drag myself up the headboard and I grab my still hot tea. I balance it on my leg and I doze again, feeling the heat on my leg through the duvet and heat of the cup in my hand. I awaken again, this time more awake, I sip at my tea. I grab my warm towel and I head for the shower. Colder than usual, but warm enough to not cause a shock. I drop it down. Do cold showers really work? What I've read makes sense. It starts to feels warm, so I drop it down again. My body reacts to the cold, and slowly acclimatises. So I drop it again; This is surely below 20c? I wash, and I'm used to the cold, so I drop it again, this is now on cold lock and it feels cold. 3 minutes, I need to do 3 minutes. I haven't even noticed the beautiful blue sky. I have no commitments today. I should be happy. But I am not, this dark cloud that has been with me to so long, like an unwelcome friend that's outstayed his welcome just won't go away. I have good days, where I feel strong, where I feel ready to stand by my principles and not allow what has happened to affect me. But I have more bad days, this might be one of them. I get out of the shower and I shiver. What's happened to me? What have I let myself become. Why wasn't I strong enough? The warm towel dries me quickly. 3 weeks now I've been starting my days like this, with a cold shower. 7 weeks, I read, it starts to really take effect. I will keep trying. Maybe that small part of my brain which deals with pleasure is growing? The physiological aspect of depression. That's what I need to fix. After breakfast I take the girls to school. I drop them off and return home. Oblivious to the sunshine, my mind still obsessing with what has happened in work. How they're protecting the guilty, the ones with no people skills that caused my health to deteriorate so rapidly. How they let this happen? How they defend the actions of the incompetent and clumsy. The panic attacks, the sleepless nights, the 4am wake up calls. I return home, exhausted, and crawl back into bed. How can I cope with this? How do I deal with what they're doing? What am I supposed to do? What's the way out? Please God someone show me. I need this chapter to end in my life, but I have very little income. With my head on the pillow and no effort whatsoever, I leave this world again, for some unconscious respite. Thank the lord. Peace for another hour or so until I'm thrust back into the world.

Therapy. 
Sitting here in this room, hearing the things I've heard before; not just the therapists.
How are things? Complicated, legal matters linger. Work issues confound matters and cloud my vision; occupy my mind, always. Progress is painfully slow, days and weeks between meetings, or responses. Curt emails, defensive attitudes.
You need to keep yourself busy. Keep your mind occupied. Live in the now; mindfulness, exercise. 168 hours a week to fill. I return home, to the empty house I've been at for so long now. I need to get back to work. I put myself in the chair I always sit in and look out of the window, and notice the blue sky, and close my eyes.

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