Just how I think.

When I was a child I took a long time to start speaking. I had curly blonde hair and my parents called me Harpo. (after the mute Marx Brother). 

When I first learned how to write I wrote from the bottom right to the top left. 

I hated sand on my hands, so beach visits were a nightmare, any mess on my hands caused distress. 

I didn't make friends easily, I struggled with relationships and how to talk to others. 

I have nobody I would call a close friend, very few people who I could open up to emotionally. 

I preferred things to people or relationships. 

As a teen, I struggled to date, I felt ill and queasy in the presence, or at the thought of a relationship. 

Between the ages of 14 through to early 30s, I struggled to eat in public, extreme anxiety meant many a meal out would result in being sick. Stress worsened this phenomenon. 

Things are either good or they're shit. 

My old manager told me I saw the world as 50% black, 50% white and that the truth is that it's more like 5 & 5 and 90% grey. 

Car rattles drive me insane. I have torn almost every car we've ever owned apart in order to eradicate any slight vibration or noise. 

Animals are pests. I don't see the point in them. Even if they're house trained you have to clear up their mess. 

Things that don't work or perform as they should can consume me until they work the way they're supposed to. This includes computers and explains my tenacity for fixing problems. It also includes devices connected to networks, TV's and anything that is supposed to work one way, but doesn't. 

I return products if they're not perfect. 

I struggle with creativity, I am adept at using creative tools, but ideas are void. This feels empty. 

I used to draw, but I only drew 'things' I was good at art, but my art teacher hated teaching me because I only worked with objects, he was a fan of the abstract and we never saw eye to eye. This put me off art, almost completely. 

Music, adverts, films can trigger immense emtional reactions. Tears simply flood if something is too happy, or too sad.

I can't 'let go', dance or just enjoy being me because I am too self conscious. 

At concerts I will stand and watch. 

I see others, 'free spirits' just enjoying the moment and I am profoundly jealous. 

It's literally, sometimes, unbearable and I genuinely want to end it all. 

I feel like I can ruin good relationships just by being honest with how I think or feel. 

Sometimes I like certain music, sometimes I think the same music is idiotic and senseless. Sometimes I hate my whole music collection. 

I have a major problem with authority and being told what to do.  

I hate getting emails or phone calls, because they are probably wanting my time or attention. I can feel physiological responses when the phone rings or if a message from someone who might want me to do something appears on my screen. 

I don't care whether institutes recognise it, but I know I suffer with pathological demand avoidance 

Coupled with my authority problem, this has caused severe mental breakdowns and perhaps contributed towards ending my career. 

It's caused major problems in relationships as a business owner. 

Ambiguity causes major stress and behaviour that may seem odd from the outside.  

I hate the way I think, I can't fix it. 

It feels like I am faulty. 

I hate it.