The vent of a hyperactive mind.

I've been mentally unwell for some time now. But I am making progress. I've had a lot of great support, from friends and professional acquaintances. I've been polite courteous, helpful and hard working. In return I've had kindness and generosity which had boosted my ego and made my recovery easier. In the words of my solicitor though, I'm protected by the disability discrimination act, or the equality act because of my mental impairment. Something my previous employer ought to have been aware of due to my previous stress related absence. Despite my illness my blood family has struggled to offer any level of meaningful support. Although some have believed that they are being, by offering me visitation's once every couple of months. Other family members have drawn themselves further away from my problems, overwhelming me with their silence. On occasions, my patience and tolerance has been tested by my families in ways no one else does. I've had the phone hun...

"I'm never talking to you until you apologise" Is a shit way to try and win an argument. It assumes superiority, it's sanctimonious. It's hurtful. It doesn't invalidate the other persons point of view even though you may think it does. It just says you're unprepared to listen. It is however effective at destroying relationships. So if you ever said it to anyone, don't expect to talk to them again.

I have just been dismissed. Dismissed from a job I excelled at, I enjoyed, and sadly, one that made me ill. By some of the most important measures, I was in the top 1% for performance. Even at the time additional performance pressure was on me. Those self same measures, I was told, simply weren't good enough. Comparison was made for singular measures, between my performance and others to add pressure, but when the same argument was used across metrics it was dismissed; it fell on deaf ears. Closed to hearing how I was suffering. Closed to hear reasonable debate, attuned to listen for weakness, and used to add further pressure, to make me suffer. Why? ....Another time maybe.  So I fell ill, panic attacks at 4am. Crying into my breakfast before work. Insomnia most nights. Spirits lifted by my immediate work colleagues who could see my suffering, during work days, who I'd supported in the past, supporting me as best that they could. But the damage was done. Depression, anxiety an...

In a restaurant........ Something isn't right, something definitely isn't right. Everyone else seems fine. Fuck, it's me. What's this wave, this wave, shit it's hot, my skin is hot, wow, what is this, I'm burning... I can't swallow, why the f**k can't I swallow, and this air is so thick, why can't I, I'm suffocating, everyone else is breathing it ok .......I think I'm going to be sick, so hot, why is my stomach doing this..... Going dizzy, jeez, why is everyone else being so...normal, can't they see this shit? Feel your heart man, it's racing like.... I'm going to die, right here in this restaurant, Hot, sweat, cold, going to faint, going to faint.... "I need air" I get up and leave the restaurant, outside cold air on skin; face, breathe, sit, gutter.... people are looking at me, don't care, need to sit down, tears are rolling down my cheek. WTF just happened? So tired. Need to go home. ================ ...

Managers - If your performance management process feels like punishment and is mostly threats about job security, if the goals aren't behaviour based, are unrealistic and purely numbers based on exceptional lines in the sand that most are failing at, you could cause them all sorts of mental health problems, like, lack of sleep, panic attacks, eating disorders, depression and ultimately absence from work. HR departments - If your long term sickness process makes colleagues feel like they're being punished for being unwell; you're doing it wrong. They may not actually care about the outcome and just bugger off and you may lose 25 years experience, just like that.

What does 'Anxiety' mean to you? Is it just a verb? The act of being anxious, or is it an actual physical or mental condition? Many years ago, I'd have thought it was purely psychological, controllable, maybe even a weakness. I didn't really know I was a sufferer. In reality, my anxiety had always been there. At the back of my mind, looking for the bad in every situation, oddly enough, keeping me on my toes and driving me to deliver more at work. Although as I'd grown older I genuinely did care less about other peoples opinions of me. I still tried my hardest to maintain an ethical approach to management. Realising, that although the work was important, it was far more important to maintain healthy relationships with those people you worked with. That ethos, and the paranoia keeping me on my toes was quite a useful combination. I was successful at what I did. However after being exposed to some pretty unethical and, in my opinion, demoralising management treatment...

So yesterday, I joined two esteemed friends for a quick bike ride down the coast. We started in Prestatyn and (having explored the excellent trek to Rhyl last time) decided to explore the cycle route towards Talacre and Mostyn. Before long conversation turned to the EU referendum debate. Two of us, myself included were pro-brexit. One was not. As we rode we shared arguments, my main arguments for voting Brexit were. Although we'd all witnessed evidence of local spending, it's misdirected.  Local schools can't pay for books or computers but we've got a statue in Holywell town centre! We also discussed the benefits of being in the EU and we agreed that none of us really understood, what the EU was responsible for. We all agreed that the fear campaign was ineffective, if anything, counter productive, as it caused brexit campaigners to dig it's heels in further.  However, the conversation got under my skin, and the association with Gove, Johnson, Patel and ...

Perhaps its just the circles I've worked in, or the people that I speak to. But it would appear that stress at work isn't reducing. Either in ferocity or frequency. Pressure to achieve goals is high, money is tight, and corporate business owners simply want more. More market share, more profit and quicker. Desperation can cause managers with poor people skills to simply apply more pressure to colleagues. The sad fact of the matter is, in certain circumstances, more pressure works. When laziness is the cause, more applied, or even implied pressure will give some people a kick up the backside and productivity will increase; for a short period. The problem is the belief from many, that most people are lazy. The best quote I heard, is "no one goes to work to to a bad job". I believe that most people feel better about themselves, if they think their work is valuable, if they're 'useful'. By most, I mean plus 90%, which, if it's true, then the increase i...

I am woken up. Woken by my wonderful wife with a hot cup of tea. 5 minutes pass, I reawaken. Dozy. Is it the anti depressants? Is it the lack of sleep? Is it mental exhaustion? I doze, now 10 minutes. I drag myself up the headboard and I grab my still hot tea. I balance it on my leg and I doze again, feeling the heat on my leg through the duvet and heat of the cup in my hand. I awaken again, this time more awake, I sip at my tea. I grab my warm towel and I head for the shower. Colder than usual, but warm enough to not cause a shock. I drop it down. Do cold showers really work? What I've read makes sense. It starts to feels warm, so I drop it down again. My body reacts to the cold, and slowly acclimatises. So I drop it again; This is surely below 20c? I wash, and I'm used to the cold, so I drop it again, this is now on cold lock and it feels cold. 3 minutes, I need to do 3 minutes. I haven't even noticed the beautiful blue sky. I have no commitments today. I should be happy....

I have worked hard since before I left school armed with my valuable Geometrical Engineering Drawing A level. I can't tell you how useful that's been, partly because I've never been asked to remember any of it, so I simply don't know. It was never a passion to be honest, even though I enjoyed it and I was good at it, the year below me were doing graphic design, which looked much more interesting. And my best friend back in the school I left was doing computers. But my blighted dark path into the sombre world of retail had already begun. Fast forward 26 years and the retail world has changed. In my first training session as a Manager back in 2000 I met with a lovely Scottish guy who talked us through a way to speed nap, and/or meditate to relieve stress. I kid you not. As a manager of managers, proud of the fact that every meeting our region had was more like a re-union, and running the largest store on our region, with the highest productivity, I made an insane assump...