The vent of a hyperactive mind.

Well that was an interesting start to the day. After struggling to get to sleep last night after a niacinamide flush, (like an allergic reaction but doesn't affect your breathing) and another rude awakening at 3, the alarm went off at 7. Deciding against a 'snooze' I got up and made myself a packed lunch for todays meeting. Arriving an hour early due to a calendar mis-schedule, I find myself alone with my thoughts in the car park, preparing myself for the 'check in'. So how are things? Since 'going it alone', running my own business, things have been ok . But of the 100 or so invoices I've sent out, only 4 have been in the past few months. Two of which are still outstanding. If it weren't for the 2 big contracts I have, I'd have to jack it all in. Of the 80 or so emails from the group in the past 2 weeks, I've understood or been able to contribute to about 4 of them. Which has made me feel a bit inadequate. There's enough in the ...

We all like to think of ourselves as caring people; don't we? But as we're facing a national crisis, where hundreds of adult men (and women) do not feel cared for, where 2 men every hour take their own life. Who choose suicide over seeking help, or getting in touch with someone who 'cares'. We have to ask ourselves why. I've heard several times over the last few months, where tragedy has happened, that the situation is made more tragic, because the victim was unaware of how many people cared for them. So how can that be? Unless perhaps we're over using the word care? This thought kept me awake this morning and it lead me to this thought. "'Care' (like love) is a verb that requires effort.  Without effort, there's no 'care'. If someone has depression, anxiety, low self esteem and confidence, and you don't care, You'll be the last person they come to for help.  If you're close to the person, you might be part of the pr...

In a nutshell. So far so good.  I'm a week into being Citalopram free and it's different coming off it than I thought it would be.  I all honesty, I think I underestimated how hard it would be, and with hindsight, I'd have done what many do, and alternate it, one day on, one day off. Now however I feel committed to doing it this way, but I am conscious some of these side effects may last another week or so. Besides the complete and utter emotional car crash that was Tuesday, most of the other effects have been much more tolerable. I did have a wave of anger on Monday. A minor niggle that became a rage in my head, although I appeared calm, inside I was furious. It didn't last though, and by the evening, the issue was resolved, and I was calm again.  Besides this I've had two frequent weird phenomenon that I'll attempt to describe and a one off (I hope).  The first is the easiest of the two to describe; dizziness. It's pretty much constant, a...

So yesterday I got a photography job in Liverpool. A lovely lovely group of people, just getting together and enjoying some food and drink, and an opportunity to network. Also a good opportunity to thank the people involved doing such great work in social care from a company doing well. All went well to be honest, a good turnout, music, nice food served by really friendly caterers and I managed to get some good photos, which I'm sure the client will be happy with. But all was not well. I stopped taking my anti depressants just over a week ago, and I was (until yesterday) thinking that it was easy. But yesterday my negative voices joined forces and were snide and nasty.... "Your camera is budget, you look cheap" "This lighting is going to make your pictures look rubbish" "You'll be found out" "Maybe you shouldn't charge, they'll be that bad!" "Making yourself obvious, stood there" "Another flash going off, ...

I usually find when I write about something, I box it off and it helps ‘put it to bed’. It can help me move on and put things behind me. So far, so proverbial. There’s one aspect of anxiety though that I don’t think writing about will help. I will try, but I’m pretty certain this is here to stay and it’s the physical symptoms that accompany anxiety. I have a friend who suffers from fibromyalgia. These symptoms are crippling and I can only imagine how difficult it must be to live in pretty much constant physical pain because of anxiety and muscle tension. And it’s odd, because it isn’t tension from direct thoughts. There’s nothing that the conscious mind is doing that causes this level of tension. There may be a trigger, but it’s likely to be something that either happened a long time ago, maybe that can’t even be immediately recollected, or, it may be something more recent. But this trigger (if it can be traced to some ‘thing’) will create a cloud; or an ill feeling. And by using...

In the next month, with a great group of people and as part of my development, I'll be completing a short Public Narrative film. Something I've done a lot of work with over the past couple of years, but from the other side of the camera. Filming, not being filmed. On the one hand I know this will be good for me. On the other hand, I'm absolutely dreading it, and over these past few days, thinking about it, has got the better of me, and I've started feeling quite low again. In addition to this, I'll also be meeting new people (who I know will be lovely people, because of who is introducing us all) but that's a whole new social worry. I want to do the best I can, I want to make it about something personal and important to me. I want to do it about mental well-being, stress and anxiety. But, as a result, I'm having to think about the content so much, that it's becoming a drain on me and causing me, you guessed it, anxiety, upset and exhaustion. There a...

For people of a certain age, growing up with computer games was, and is now, normal, but to others, only a few years older, the habit is alien. Recently (on two separate occasions) I was asked, what the attraction is, and over the following weeks, whilst gaming, I tried to clear my thoughts and understand what I get out of gaming, and there are a number of things I think that keep me playing. 1 Meditation and craftsmanship. Horizon Zero Dawn The right game, at the right time can do a number of things that mindfulness can. There's an argument to suggest what you're hearing, seeing, and experiencing isn't real, and is somehow, less valid, but perhaps that's misguided? I have always been a visual person, and the creators of many games, for example, Horizon Zero Dawn, Skyrim and even Grand Theft Auto work incredibly hard creating gargantuan worlds, where every tree, rock, patch of grass or snow, path and animal has been painstakingly created to draw you in. Likewise...