Caring

We all like to think of ourselves as caring people; don't we? But as we're facing a national crisis, where hundreds of adult men (and women) do not feel cared for, where 2 men every hour take their own life. Who choose suicide over seeking help, or getting in touch with someone who 'cares'. We have to ask ourselves why.

I've heard several times over the last few months, where tragedy has happened, that the situation is made more tragic, because the victim was unaware of how many people cared for them. So how can that be? Unless perhaps we're over using the word care? This thought kept me awake this morning and it lead me to this thought.

"'Care' (like love) is a verb that requires effort. 

Without effort, there's no 'care'.
If someone has depression, anxiety, low self esteem and confidence, and you don't care, You'll be the last person they come to for help. 

If you're close to the person, you might be part of the problem. 

Very lucky to have lots of people who do care"

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Depressed people may isolate themselves from people who say they 'care' and who in their own minds, do care. However, I think we need to appreciate that 'care' isn't a constant and isolation only happens when the person suffering doesn't feel a certain level of trust that comes from genuine 'care'.

That is to say, although the person who says they 'care' might be available for help and support, something stops the sufferer from asking, perhaps because the carer has never demonstrated any behaviours that show they care. So I think it's vital that we explore why that might be the case. Because without open, honest, frank, non judgemental contact, sufferers won't have anywhere to turn, which leaves them desperate, alone and with nowhere to turn.

Let's rank it from 1 to 10. Assuming zero would be 'don't care, not bothered', and 1 is 'bothered'.
You can't be a paid 'carer' by telephone, it's preposterous. You can't be a carer if you never see the person you 'care' for. Sure you can be bothered about whether someone falls ill, and you can call it caring, but it isn't.

From pondering this for far too long today, I've come to the conclusion that it boils down to 4 things.

Contact - How frequent is your contact with the person you care about?
Conversation - What level of conversation do you have with the person you're talking to?
Judging - Do you accept the person for who they are, or do you want them to change?
Activity - We all know activity improves well being, people who care for one another will ensure the other is exercising.







If people are close enough, and they have daily contact, open, honest and non judgemental conversations about well being and mental health, they won't need to ask when someone is suffering. Because they 'care' fully, they will be there at the exact time they're needed.

Contact - If people genuinely care for one another, they will stay in touch. Sure we can have people we care about, who live a long way away. But that's not the same as caring for someone you see every day. If there is no effort, or all of the effort is one way, then there is an absence of care.

Conversation - People who care for one another will have the most open and honest discussions. While they'll likely enjoy the other trivial natter, they'll also feel safe enough to say when they're not doing too well. Mental Health won't be taboo, it will be expected, maybe prompted by the other because they can sense something isn't good. These conversations will be emotionally mature.

Judging - It's almost impossible to discuss matters that are close to the heart if the person listening keeps telling you how wrong you are. If their expectations are that you should be living like this, or you shouldn't be feeling that way, or there is no rational reason for your feelings to be as they are, then it becomes very difficult to communicate or trust that person. To truly care for someone is to listen, without prejudice and forgive no matter what.

Activity - The link between well being and activity is well known. While some friends might shudder at the idea of exercise, they may also enjoy shopping together, or clubbing. Or to put it another way, walking, or dancing, both great forms of exercise. People may enjoy one another's company, in the comfort of their own home, gaming. But if there is no exercise involved then there is one aspect of the 'care' scale, that is being neglected. Perhaps because they don't 'care' for their own health enough either?

The word 'care' is used all of the time. I have heard it used when it's tragically too late. But the truth is we all need someone to care for us. And I honestly believe there is a lot of care in the world. People do care about others well being. But we have to ask is my level of care enough?
Some people say they care, when they have no contact and no communication and I would argue that's simply being bothered.

What we're basically looking at here is another form of Friendship and Trust. We can all say we 'care' for people who aren't necessarily our 'friend' but close bonds, through contact, non judging conversation and activity lead to stable networks for people who might be vulnerable. Everyone needs a BFF and the more we can contact others, have meaningful conversations, be non judgemental and get out, the fitter healthier and more resilient we will all become.

So where does this leave us? Perhaps we could recognise if someone we know is ill, but we're finding it difficult to converse with them, then this isn't getting 'care' from us, perhaps we can recognise that complete alienation could be worsening their well-being and in fact that's not 'care' at all? We could argue, it's impossible to care for someone with no contact?

I guess it leaves us thinking about our own relationships with people who we know struggle with their mental health? It means we could review just how much 'care' we give to those who have a history of illness. Can we spend more time with them, can we deepen our level of conversation, can we listen and become more empathetic and bite our lips when the natural instinct might be to proffer a (n unqualified) solution? Can we listen with empathy, and improve our own understanding? Can we steer people towards real support and professional services gently, without judgement and can we be the buddy that gets them out and about again, moving, at one with nature and generally feeling good about themselves once or twice a week (or month).

Maybe you can't be the 10/10 for every Contact, or the 10/10 for Conversational quality, but maybe you can be the difference between companionship and tragedy.