Breakdown #2
Well that was an interesting start to the day.
After struggling to get to sleep last night after a niacinamide flush, (like an allergic reaction but doesn't affect your breathing) and another rude awakening at 3, the alarm went off at 7. Deciding against a 'snooze' I got up and made myself a packed lunch for todays meeting.
Arriving an hour early due to a calendar mis-schedule, I find myself alone with my thoughts in the car park, preparing myself for the 'check in'.
So how are things?
Since 'going it alone', running my own business, things have been ok. But of the 100 or so invoices I've sent out, only 4 have been in the past few months. Two of which are still outstanding. If it weren't for the 2 big contracts I have, I'd have to jack it all in.
Of the 80 or so emails from the group in the past 2 weeks, I've understood or been able to contribute to about 4 of them. Which has made me feel a bit inadequate.
There's enough in the business for food and mortgage payments for the next 8 months, but little else. The cracked tiles in the kitchen, the leak in the roof, the new discs and pads the car is telling me it needs, new clothes and nice things, changing one of the cars for something smaller to help my Daughter drive; driving lessons and finally a holiday, (likely the last one we'll likely get with our 'children' together as a family*).
*We will make this happen no matter what - somehow.
Luckily we've been well managed enough to avoid growing debt, in fact besides the mortgage, we've none. I know that puts us in a much stronger position than many people, but the mortgage, crippling council tax, extortionate gas and electric costs and our so useful In Home Display mean we're making prudent decisions about when the heating should come on, and how frequently we should shower or bath. We're earning too much for any support, but not enough to have a great deal of fun.
Because of the lack of work, my confidence levels are the same as they were when I started the business (and I suppose I did ok then) but gaining new clients means putting myself out there and putting myself out there requires confidence. Catch 22.
I've felt like this for a while and still, soldiered on through a training course (I delivered) last Friday and it went ok.
But when I tried to sell my services to other schools, I fell apart. Which causes scars. Nothing scars quite as bad as humiliation.
It's made me realise that actually, after 20 odd years of selling technology and insurance policies most people probably didn't need, I probably know far less about selling than I originally thought. Selling 'things' and 'products' is far easier than selling yourself, but I digress.
Explaining that in a nutshell to a good group of friends and work colleagues was simply too overwhelming. Not wanting to distract from what should be a positive meeting, felt nigh on impossible.
So I crumbled. The second person arrived at the meeting to find me struggling to keep my shit together and after a brief discussion, and a few hugs, she told me to go home. Which was probably the right thing to do.
An interesting start to the day, but I am certain my shit will come together somehow. Just not sure what that looks like or how to do it.
After struggling to get to sleep last night after a niacinamide flush, (like an allergic reaction but doesn't affect your breathing) and another rude awakening at 3, the alarm went off at 7. Deciding against a 'snooze' I got up and made myself a packed lunch for todays meeting.
Arriving an hour early due to a calendar mis-schedule, I find myself alone with my thoughts in the car park, preparing myself for the 'check in'.
So how are things?
Since 'going it alone', running my own business, things have been ok. But of the 100 or so invoices I've sent out, only 4 have been in the past few months. Two of which are still outstanding. If it weren't for the 2 big contracts I have, I'd have to jack it all in.
Of the 80 or so emails from the group in the past 2 weeks, I've understood or been able to contribute to about 4 of them. Which has made me feel a bit inadequate.
There's enough in the business for food and mortgage payments for the next 8 months, but little else. The cracked tiles in the kitchen, the leak in the roof, the new discs and pads the car is telling me it needs, new clothes and nice things, changing one of the cars for something smaller to help my Daughter drive; driving lessons and finally a holiday, (likely the last one we'll likely get with our 'children' together as a family*).
*We will make this happen no matter what - somehow.
Luckily we've been well managed enough to avoid growing debt, in fact besides the mortgage, we've none. I know that puts us in a much stronger position than many people, but the mortgage, crippling council tax, extortionate gas and electric costs and our so useful In Home Display mean we're making prudent decisions about when the heating should come on, and how frequently we should shower or bath. We're earning too much for any support, but not enough to have a great deal of fun.
Because of the lack of work, my confidence levels are the same as they were when I started the business (and I suppose I did ok then) but gaining new clients means putting myself out there and putting myself out there requires confidence. Catch 22.
I've felt like this for a while and still, soldiered on through a training course (I delivered) last Friday and it went ok.
But when I tried to sell my services to other schools, I fell apart. Which causes scars. Nothing scars quite as bad as humiliation.
It's made me realise that actually, after 20 odd years of selling technology and insurance policies most people probably didn't need, I probably know far less about selling than I originally thought. Selling 'things' and 'products' is far easier than selling yourself, but I digress.
Explaining that in a nutshell to a good group of friends and work colleagues was simply too overwhelming. Not wanting to distract from what should be a positive meeting, felt nigh on impossible.
So I crumbled. The second person arrived at the meeting to find me struggling to keep my shit together and after a brief discussion, and a few hugs, she told me to go home. Which was probably the right thing to do.
An interesting start to the day, but I am certain my shit will come together somehow. Just not sure what that looks like or how to do it.
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