Coming up next.....

The first time I visited a beach, so I'm told, I was a baby and I hated it. The feeling of the sand on my hands caused huge discomfort. I cried. It wasn't the way 'land' was supposed to feel.
In my 30's my good boss told me to stop catastrophising. I would use this technique to keep my team in check. I'd take things they'd do out of context and ask them to image the question in a disciplinary, technically making mountains out of molehills, without the mountain. A subtle reminder to behave, and it was effective.
The same boss also told me that I have a tendency to make things, black and white; good or bad and that the world is actually 95% grey; uncertain.
I don't do brilliantly with sarcasm. Which is ironic, although I am trying my hardest to be less.
In High School, my (shit*) Chemistry teacher joked that I only needed to turn up for one of the GCSE exams. So I did. I still managed to get a D, but I should have been at both.
(*he probably wasn't totally shit, but in my black/white world he is).
And more recently, the car. It's had a respray and because I can see colours very well. I know it isn't perfect. The kids have told me "We wouldn't have noticed it if you hadn't pointed it out". Many people on Facebook can't see the difference. It's black (it's not it's red), but it's not right, I'm in cahoots with the dealership about how they're going to fix it. I might have to throw the towel in and convince myself it's ok. Although I know it isn't.
Everything is affected by this thinking and I really do feel sorry for people who have to live with me.
Listening to music, relaxing and enjoying it, my thought process will be,
Is DTS NEO really the best surround option for this music? Is the sound from the Front Right and Left Rear louder, it seems like it might be. Should I recalibrate the sound? Should I upgrade the rear speakers? Is the subwoofer balanced well? Sounds a little too bassy, I'll turn it down.
Even looking out of my office window, there's a tree that's starting to affect the view of the Wirral. The neighbour's tree overhangs our garden and has grown extremely tall. Legally, (I've checked) we could cut it down. (the overhanging part). It's a black situation, it shouldn't be like this.
This 'niggles' don't affect other people the way they affect me. I let them consume me although I know I shouldn't. It's a don't think of the Pink Elephant situation. All I'm thinking at the moment, is red mismatched paint, orange door, bad respray and it's exhausting and I wish I wasn't like this.
The benefit of this thinking is that it can motivate me to action. If something is doable, especially with technology, it becomes my superpower, and we live in a golden age for the curious.
 For example, while waiting to speak with the Head of a local school, I wondered if it would be possible to get a redundant display working in the reception area by using a Raspberry Pi that I could remote into and upload a bespoke school promo video. Two days later and I'm installing a fully working solution that is still in place today. In another school, I wondered if the three broken Chromebooks, (1 cracked screen, 1 dead unit and 1 with a non-functioning keyboard) could be stripped down and interchanged for parts. Hours later and we have one non-working device, and 2 more back in action.
There are very few questions that can't be answered without some effective google usage and informative Netflix 'entertainment'. Like, for example, "why am I like this"?
I've watched two programs of late that lead me to the same conclusion as my Mum, my Uncle and my Brother. First was a documentary about Chris Packham. Seemingly a great and natural TV presenter, but with a well-hidden secret. The second is the amazing Netflix series 'A Typical'. Indeed it would appear a lot of my behaviours are similar to those of Asperger's sufferers. And the other symptoms; social awkwardness, reclusiveness, anxiousness. They're all present too.
The realisation came slowly, but the two big milestones were an online test I completed, where I scored 36 out of 50. The key being below 29 - not Aspergers. Above 33 quite likely.
The second came when my Mum openly told me she thought I might be. In her previous life as a Head Teacher, she'd attended an Aspergers awareness course, which is when it hit her, thinking back to the beach as a child and the strong sense of right and wrong. She identified a number of behaviours throughout my life that suggested I might be.
And then the doubt crept in. Well am I, or aren't I? For reasons previously mentioned, this started to consume my thinking and once again. I was in limbo, without an answer, is it true, or is it false?
Eventually, perhaps unsurprisingly, I had to approach the Doctor. Stupidly I chose my Mum and Dad's 50th Wedding anniversary. I casually asked the receptionist for an appointment, but couldn't get one for a couple of weeks, so I said it didn't matter. She asked me what I needed it for and that's when I crumbled again. "I think I might be Aspergers" I replied.
I got an appointment in 2 hours.
I called my Mum. (This is when I realised what day it was). My Mum and Dad came round immediately and came with me to see my Doctor. He was packed, (it was December) there were kids coughing all over the place.
because he was pushed for time, he asked me to write a short report on how this affected my everyday life. Which took me a couple of weeks, but I completed it. I mentioned an incident where a work colleague had called me abrupt after I'd written (what I assumed was a courteous) email asking for clarification over a split-payment. I mentioned my history, and it made me think why am I doing this, besides needing to know?
And then it hit me. If I am, and if I ever need to return to 'employed' status, then this could be pivotable to my well-being. If my old employee knew I was Aspergers, those shitty threats about job security really ought not to have happened. When 85% of the business was missing targets, to suggest the threat of redundancies (and I mean crappy regional managers saying things in managers meetings like 'You'll need to be updating your LinkedIn profile' and 'well if you can't achieve these targets I'm sure we can find someone who can', 'the business has no room for your style of management anymore') surely they would have been avoided?
Actually maybe, on reflection, they probably wouldn't as the company was rotten to the core, but surely knowing the condition, might have helped my Doctor, the Occupational Health, the Solicitor, or even the company with caring for an unwell employee, Knowledge is power isn't it?
But maybe future employers will be as good as the partners I work with now, maybe (if it is confirmed) then any future business connections will use empathy and cunning to motivate me and understand if there's something that can be done, just planting the seed is enough to cause my brain to go into overdrive and get it done.
This way of thinking, whether it's Aspergers or not, has it's benefits. But for now (as the referral will likely take years for anything to happen), I'm off to retune the speakers on my HiFi.