Public Narrative fear.

In the next month, with a great group of people and as part of my development, I'll be completing a short Public Narrative film. Something I've done a lot of work with over the past couple of years, but from the other side of the camera. Filming, not being filmed. On the one hand I know this will be good for me. On the other hand, I'm absolutely dreading it, and over these past few days, thinking about it, has got the better of me, and I've started feeling quite low again. In addition to this, I'll also be meeting new people (who I know will be lovely people, because of who is introducing us all) but that's a whole new social worry.

I want to do the best I can, I want to make it about something personal and important to me. I want to do it about mental well-being, stress and anxiety. But, as a result, I'm having to think about the content so much, that it's becoming a drain on me and causing me, you guessed it, anxiety, upset and exhaustion.

There are so many things that are important to the narrative that I want to include, but getting the thoughts clear in my head is difficult. But here goes, I want to help people understand;

• The thought processes that lie behind anxiety. The daily battle with my unconscious insecurities and thoughts that fuel the condition. I've thought about likening it to Tourettes, only without the obvious verbal signs. Uncontrollable negative thoughts that need conscious positive and logical thoughts to fight them. But then I worry that people will think that's not fair on Tourettes sufferers and that clearly Tourettes is far worse (it is, I agree, but the uncontrollable negative thoughts that pervade are similar in mannerisms, they just happen). 
• The mask that successful anxiety sufferers have to wear. The confidence that this can exude, and the reality that this only really plasters over the cracks. I also want to cover a book called Being Happy which I got when I was 18 years old which suggests similar thoughts. 
• The stresses that workplace bullying (or just abysmal people skills) can cause. The crippling fear and stress that this can cause and my own personal experience with it. 
• The importance of childhood experiences and how bullying, cynicism, judgemental tendencies and conditional love can create problems later in life. 
• The deviated septum I got from a punch aged 15 which caused the lack of oxygen to my brain which fuelled the social anxiety which lead to therapy when what I needed was an operation. 
• How times have changed towards mental well being, and how lucky we are that men are now able to talk about these things. The book 'How not to be a boy' by Robert Webb might be worth a mention at this point. 
• Why we're crap at remembering birthdays and dates and how we do care, but we're just too self absorbed to be effective. (Maybe this is just me?). 
• Pink Floyd's album 'The Wall'. Specifically 'One of my turns', 'Comfortably numb', 'Goodbye cruel world', "Dark sarcasm in the classroom" from 'Another brick in the wall' and 'The Wall' as a concept album in general and how it relates, although this might be too niche?
• The experience of isolation and 'flu like' depression and how the inactivity and exhaustion feels. How difficult it becomes to do very simple things. The pattern of fear, anxiety, depression, sleep. The crippling effects of a breakdown. (Could be really difficult). 
• I'd like to include the physical symptoms. Pushing my tongue up hard behind my teeth and not realising. Total body tension and not realising, numerous times a day, catching myself actually 'stressed'. Potential health risks associated with holding your body tense. Fight or flight, ready to rock n roll. 
• How (in my case at least) I can usually see an accident before it happens. How my mind works when I enter a room, how we'd be great in health and safety roles and how quick the mind works to calculate a million scenarios, one of which might end up with someone getting hurt. "Amazing powers of observation"? (also from Pink Floyd the Wall). 
• How support and exercise from good friends can help. Time, patience and closure (the settlement, although the NDA may stop that). 
• The fact that anxiety sufferers are generally great workers. The fear of disappointing others is incredibly motivating. 
• How CBT can help and how it can give you a toolbox of things to fall back on when things get out of hand. 
• What a panic attack feels like. Experiences of eating out and having the most traumatic experiences in public places when I was younger (this could be really difficult). Also how the panic attacks changed as I aged and how they startled me in my sleep. (Google - exploding head syndrome!). No need, obviously I've done it for you, just click the link. 
• How I generally don't care about being open about all of this. I think it helps others. I still think men cover their feelings and suicide COULD be reduced if only we kept on talking. (I guess this is my 'ask'?)

So there's a lot to cover, lots to think about and plenty of time to get my head straight. But the process of clarifying these thoughts (part of the reason for the post) is draining. I'm doing that living in fear of the future thing. Instead of just accepting that my situation is (so much) better than it was. Stupid things like money issues, vehicle expenses and big decisions that need to happen are also affecting me negatively that I can't help relating it to the past. 

Hmm, mental battering and wealth, or time to yourself and financial hardship? 

There's only 6 minutes to fit all of this in, so some will have to drop by the wayside. But I will do it, and I will (with support) make it a worthwhile experience. Hopefully (like this post) it will be therapeutic as well. I'm out next week with my lovely friend Sam (my CBT expert) so hopefully she'll read this and have some thoughts. She will, because I'll tag her. 

Busy day Tomorrow and Thursday, will get me back on song. I'll put my mask on and the world will see the confident me. And I'll do great work. Rest assured; I got this.