The vent of a hyperactive mind.

Today I have received a settlement against a claim of unfair dismissal. It should be a day of celebration. What started over 4 years ago, with the decline of my mental well-being; crying into cereal, fear of the future, fear of just going to work, anxiety about losing everything, manifested itself into panic attacks, exploding head syndrome and eventually my absence from work. A year and 6 months later, (after a period of 6 months back in work) I was dismissed. The occupational health reports stated I would need more time to recover. But this was time I never had. During this period, my colleagues, friends and family could do very little, apart from ride the horrific journey into misery and depression with me. But they had their lives to live and for the most part, with the exception of lunch when my wife would come home to check on me, and the evenings, I was alone. It's impossible to put into words how desperate those days were. Exhaustion was a massive part of it, and i...

Anxiety and depression are getting an increasing amount of media attention and for all of the right reasons. Inferiority complexes and mental health in general, is widely becoming accepted as something of vital importance to healthy modern day living. Indeed, what's the point, if we can't be happy and relaxed at least some of the time in our lives? However, I was at a fascinating training earlier this week about public narrative. Tony talked passionately about the masks that young adults, especially young men have to wear. I guess he was talking about the 'brave face' mask, the 'not offended' mask, the 'laugh it off' mask and the 'look how strong I am' mask. Masks that cover what many gentlemen (and women) feel, which can quite often be loneliness, weakness and feelings of overwhelm. But then there are some individuals, not always men, who wear their masks all the time, and who's masks eventually end up becoming part of their personalit...

I've just read an interesting article that started examining the physical affects of anxiety and depression on the mind. It cited the shrinking of the hippo campus and the relative ineffectiveness and lack of evidence of medicinal remedies. I was fascinated until it reached it's conclusion, that the cure, is healthy eating,  exercise and a change of mind.  All of the things that, anyone will tell you, never happen whilst your suffering. From my own perspective, (a severe bout case of anxiety, with mild to moderate depression) I knew all of these 'secrets' would help. But when the motivation is missing, and you feel like you've nothing left to live for, sufferers simply cannot do them. My eating became lazy, accompanied with thoughts that if I got lucky, I might just have a heart attack and die anyway. I didn't want to wake up in the morning, why would I bother cooking myself a nutritious lunch? Exercise, yes, I knew that would make a difference, but...

I'm a big fan of the idea of universal basic income; UBI. The ideology that welfare becomes a thing of the past, because people have enough to live on. Those who want more than 'just enough to live on' follow their heart doing something they love, and earning themselves a better standard of living. The money wasted on complex ESA, JSA assessments, enforcement and compliance is reinvested to support everyone, civil servants are sent home with their pockets lined with UBI instead. After a catastrophe a couple of years back, my wife and I have been supported with ESA, JSA, child tax credits and working tax credits (not all at the same time) . My wife doesn't earn enough to pay tax, and I'm trying my best to establish myself as an entrepreneur. Having UBI as a safety net wouldn't motivate me any less than I am now, I wouldn't give up, because I'm loving what I'm doing. But it would take a lot of the stress away. Stress that's increased do to the u...

The last few years have been interesting. It's fair to say, I've had a catastrophic mental breakdown and have had some incredible support to try and get myself back on my feet. Much of it is still ongoing and I've opted for a course of CBT, which I have ended up funding myself, as I think (like the occupational health report from 2 years ago) it will be beneficial. This CBT could apparently have been offered on the NHS, but is far less prevalent in Wales, than it is in England. My therapist commutes to England because of this issue, which according to my local MP, shouldn't exist. (This needs more investigation, but is certainly a conversation worth having). Learning about the benefits system has been a steep learning curve. My old job was complicated, but I'd class myself as above average intelligence, and I struggled to get my head round what I should be entitled to and what I shouldn't. Indeed, answering 'yes', to my dentist to inform him that I was...

I've been mentally unwell for some time now. But I am making progress. I've had a lot of great support, from friends and professional acquaintances. I've been polite courteous, helpful and hard working. In return I've had kindness and generosity which had boosted my ego and made my recovery easier. In the words of my solicitor though, I'm protected by the disability discrimination act, or the equality act because of my mental impairment. Something my previous employer ought to have been aware of due to my previous stress related absence. Despite my illness my blood family has struggled to offer any level of meaningful support. Although some have believed that they are being, by offering me visitation's once every couple of months. Other family members have drawn themselves further away from my problems, overwhelming me with their silence. On occasions, my patience and tolerance has been tested by my families in ways no one else does. I've had the phone hun...

"I'm never talking to you until you apologise" Is a shit way to try and win an argument. It assumes superiority, it's sanctimonious. It's hurtful. It doesn't invalidate the other persons point of view even though you may think it does. It just says you're unprepared to listen. It is however effective at destroying relationships. So if you ever said it to anyone, don't expect to talk to them again.