The vent of a hyperactive mind.

I usually find when I write about something, I box it off and it helps ‘put it to bed’. It can help me move on and put things behind me. So far, so proverbial. There’s one aspect of anxiety though that I don’t think writing about will help. I will try, but I’m pretty certain this is here to stay and it’s the physical symptoms that accompany anxiety. I have a friend who suffers from fibromyalgia. These symptoms are crippling and I can only imagine how difficult it must be to live in pretty much constant physical pain because of anxiety and muscle tension. And it’s odd, because it isn’t tension from direct thoughts. There’s nothing that the conscious mind is doing that causes this level of tension. There may be a trigger, but it’s likely to be something that either happened a long time ago, maybe that can’t even be immediately recollected, or, it may be something more recent. But this trigger (if it can be traced to some ‘thing’) will create a cloud; or an ill feeling. And by using...

In the next month, with a great group of people and as part of my development, I'll be completing a short Public Narrative film. Something I've done a lot of work with over the past couple of years, but from the other side of the camera. Filming, not being filmed. On the one hand I know this will be good for me. On the other hand, I'm absolutely dreading it, and over these past few days, thinking about it, has got the better of me, and I've started feeling quite low again. In addition to this, I'll also be meeting new people (who I know will be lovely people, because of who is introducing us all) but that's a whole new social worry. I want to do the best I can, I want to make it about something personal and important to me. I want to do it about mental well-being, stress and anxiety. But, as a result, I'm having to think about the content so much, that it's becoming a drain on me and causing me, you guessed it, anxiety, upset and exhaustion. There a...

For people of a certain age, growing up with computer games was, and is now, normal, but to others, only a few years older, the habit is alien. Recently (on two separate occasions) I was asked, what the attraction is, and over the following weeks, whilst gaming, I tried to clear my thoughts and understand what I get out of gaming, and there are a number of things I think that keep me playing. 1 Meditation and craftsmanship. Horizon Zero Dawn The right game, at the right time can do a number of things that mindfulness can. There's an argument to suggest what you're hearing, seeing, and experiencing isn't real, and is somehow, less valid, but perhaps that's misguided? I have always been a visual person, and the creators of many games, for example, Horizon Zero Dawn, Skyrim and even Grand Theft Auto work incredibly hard creating gargantuan worlds, where every tree, rock, patch of grass or snow, path and animal has been painstakingly created to draw you in. Likewise...

Today I have received a settlement against a claim of unfair dismissal. It should be a day of celebration. What started over 4 years ago, with the decline of my mental well-being; crying into cereal, fear of the future, fear of just going to work, anxiety about losing everything, manifested itself into panic attacks, exploding head syndrome and eventually my absence from work. A year and 6 months later, (after a period of 6 months back in work) I was dismissed. The occupational health reports stated I would need more time to recover. But this was time I never had. During this period, my colleagues, friends and family could do very little, apart from ride the horrific journey into misery and depression with me. But they had their lives to live and for the most part, with the exception of lunch when my wife would come home to check on me, and the evenings, I was alone. It's impossible to put into words how desperate those days were. Exhaustion was a massive part of it, and i...

Anxiety and depression are getting an increasing amount of media attention and for all of the right reasons. Inferiority complexes and mental health in general, is widely becoming accepted as something of vital importance to healthy modern day living. Indeed, what's the point, if we can't be happy and relaxed at least some of the time in our lives? However, I was at a fascinating training earlier this week about public narrative. Tony talked passionately about the masks that young adults, especially young men have to wear. I guess he was talking about the 'brave face' mask, the 'not offended' mask, the 'laugh it off' mask and the 'look how strong I am' mask. Masks that cover what many gentlemen (and women) feel, which can quite often be loneliness, weakness and feelings of overwhelm. But then there are some individuals, not always men, who wear their masks all the time, and who's masks eventually end up becoming part of their personalit...

I've just read an interesting article that started examining the physical affects of anxiety and depression on the mind. It cited the shrinking of the hippo campus and the relative ineffectiveness and lack of evidence of medicinal remedies. I was fascinated until it reached it's conclusion, that the cure, is healthy eating,  exercise and a change of mind.  All of the things that, anyone will tell you, never happen whilst your suffering. From my own perspective, (a severe bout case of anxiety, with mild to moderate depression) I knew all of these 'secrets' would help. But when the motivation is missing, and you feel like you've nothing left to live for, sufferers simply cannot do them. My eating became lazy, accompanied with thoughts that if I got lucky, I might just have a heart attack and die anyway. I didn't want to wake up in the morning, why would I bother cooking myself a nutritious lunch? Exercise, yes, I knew that would make a difference, but...

I'm a big fan of the idea of universal basic income; UBI. The ideology that welfare becomes a thing of the past, because people have enough to live on. Those who want more than 'just enough to live on' follow their heart doing something they love, and earning themselves a better standard of living. The money wasted on complex ESA, JSA assessments, enforcement and compliance is reinvested to support everyone, civil servants are sent home with their pockets lined with UBI instead. After a catastrophe a couple of years back, my wife and I have been supported with ESA, JSA, child tax credits and working tax credits (not all at the same time) . My wife doesn't earn enough to pay tax, and I'm trying my best to establish myself as an entrepreneur. Having UBI as a safety net wouldn't motivate me any less than I am now, I wouldn't give up, because I'm loving what I'm doing. But it would take a lot of the stress away. Stress that's increased do to the u...