The vent of a hyperactive mind.

I usually find when I write about something, I box it off and it helps ‘put it to bed’. It can help me move on and put things behind me. So far, so proverbial. There’s one aspect of anxiety though that I don’t think writing about will help. I will try, but I’m pretty certain this is here to stay and it’s the physical symptoms that accompany anxiety. I have a friend who suffers from fibromyalgia. These symptoms are crippling and I can only imagine how difficult it must be to live in pretty much constant physical pain because of anxiety and muscle tension. And it’s odd, because it isn’t tension from direct thoughts. There’s nothing that the conscious mind is doing that causes this level of tension. There may be a trigger, but it’s likely to be something that either happened a long time ago, maybe that can’t even be immediately recollected, or, it may be something more recent. But this trigger (if it can be traced to some ‘thing’) will create a cloud; or an ill feeling. And by using...

In the next month, with a great group of people and as part of my development, I'll be completing a short Public Narrative film. Something I've done a lot of work with over the past couple of years, but from the other side of the camera. Filming, not being filmed. On the one hand I know this will be good for me. On the other hand, I'm absolutely dreading it, and over these past few days, thinking about it, has got the better of me, and I've started feeling quite low again. In addition to this, I'll also be meeting new people (who I know will be lovely people, because of who is introducing us all) but that's a whole new social worry. I want to do the best I can, I want to make it about something personal and important to me. I want to do it about mental well-being, stress and anxiety. But, as a result, I'm having to think about the content so much, that it's becoming a drain on me and causing me, you guessed it, anxiety, upset and exhaustion. There a...

For people of a certain age, growing up with computer games was, and is now, normal, but to others, only a few years older, the habit is alien. Recently (on two separate occasions) I was asked, what the attraction is, and over the following weeks, whilst gaming, I tried to clear my thoughts and understand what I get out of gaming, and there are a number of things I think that keep me playing. 1 Meditation and craftsmanship. Horizon Zero Dawn The right game, at the right time can do a number of things that mindfulness can. There's an argument to suggest what you're hearing, seeing, and experiencing isn't real, and is somehow, less valid, but perhaps that's misguided? I have always been a visual person, and the creators of many games, for example, Horizon Zero Dawn, Skyrim and even Grand Theft Auto work incredibly hard creating gargantuan worlds, where every tree, rock, patch of grass or snow, path and animal has been painstakingly created to draw you in. Likewise...

Today I have received a settlement against a claim of unfair dismissal. It should be a day of celebration. What started over 4 years ago, with the decline of my mental well-being; crying into cereal, fear of the future, fear of just going to work, anxiety about losing everything, manifested itself into panic attacks, exploding head syndrome and eventually my absence from work. A year and 6 months later, (after a period of 6 months back in work) I was dismissed. The occupational health reports stated I would need more time to recover. But this was time I never had. During this period, my colleagues, friends and family could do very little, apart from ride the horrific journey into misery and depression with me. But they had their lives to live and for the most part, with the exception of lunch when my wife would come home to check on me, and the evenings, I was alone. It's impossible to put into words how desperate those days were. Exhaustion was a massive part of it, and i...